praise God from whom all blessings flow

i haven't written here in a long while.  so much has changed, but it's a change that happened from the inside out.  one event - painful and piercing as it was - was a catalyst for a true new beginning.  and i know i've spoken of new beginnings many times since all the shit began, but trust me... there is something inside of me that will never allow me to go back again.  i have grown, i have been made beautiful by my Maker.

and now there are many new things to look forward to.  my heart has moved on from the pain.  it is healing.  and i recognize that it is God who saved me - He came down to save me from my darkness. 

don't you see?  all the tears, the sorrow, the regret, the loneliness, the cold, the drowning, the darkness, the brokeness, the destruction, the emptiness, the failures, the sin... i was buried deep within it; surrounded and suffocating.  but Love came into my heart again, took hold of me, and is doing a good work. 

yes, praise God from whom all blessings flow.

for better or worse

something inside never gave up, as if i knew things could be restored somehow.  a friendship that you can rekindle after so long, after many hurtful words that were said, and more words that were left unsaid, is truly a friendship that is worth fighting for.  do you remember when we had prayed together?  we prayed for each other, we prayed for us.  and i know that some wounds have cut deep... we both suffered from the separation, i think... but the love and hope that i feel now... for the thought of having you as my sister again... i could cry tears of joy.

looking forward

there's less than a month before christmas.  it's been a really interesting year - a fast one this time.  i remember last year couldn't end sooner; it was a really tough year.  i can't help to think about how different things are now.  i am glad.  i feel blessed.

i was speaking with a friend today about how difficult it is to accept rejection, to come to terms with failure and disappointment.  it's a really hard lesson to learn when things don't go as planned.  we question God, we're angry at Him, angry at the world, we feel betrayed, abandoned, lost, and unsure of our future.  at the same time, we try to remember how faithful God has been in the past and how He has always provided for our needs.  it's not easy to gain perspective in the moment of sadness, but somehow, with time, it happens.

everyone has issues.  letting go of the past, allowing yourself to move on and to forgive, inviting peace and joy into your life, giving up control of your own life and your future, realizing that everything has its place and purpose in this universe... suddenly the world becomes less scary when we know we're not made to do this alone, and that we need God, we need the support of good people.  it's comforting to know that no matter how uneasy you feel about yourself, you're not any different from the person next to you.  we're in this together.

the next journey

i've started reading 'the valkyries' by paulo coelho, which is the third book following 'the alchemist'.  i am finding these moments of solitude very rare these days, and therefore they have become very important to me.  my mind feels like it's buzzing from all the things i have to do, the things i want to do, the things i did wrong, the things i forgot to do.  commiting to this job and to these children is very time consuming and it makes my body feel wiped out at the end of every week.  but i am enjoying this opportunity.

back to the book: from the back cover it's about letting go of the past, coming to terms with one's own self-doubts and fears.  i think everyone has hang ups, baggage that they are learning to deal with, secrets that they try to deny.  these things carry into relationships, friendships, your spiritual relationship with God, and obviously your perception of yourself. 

i know it sounds cliche and very modern love thyself psychology, but i think it's true that you have to be comfortable in your own skin before you can have real, healthy, and secure relationships with others.  not to say that you ought to think of yourself higher than you are, but to know that you are loved for who you are despite your imperfections, and are called to love others with the same acceptance.  sometimes i think it's easier to love others than to love yourself.  they may have confided in you about something that they're not proud of, something they struggle with... and you know that your friend is still loved, wonderful, beautiful, passionate, and a good person.  but when you turn inward and look at yourself, you have a difficult time forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to be loved, refusing to believe that you are wonderful.

a friend once told me that you should trust the things your family and closest friends say about you.  those who know you and have your interests at heart can tell you what your best qualities are, as well as the things you need to learn.

never enough time

i don't know where the evenings go.  there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do the things that need to be done.  i left work today feeling really drained, even though it's a shortened week for the kids (i notice this happens a lot - when it's a short week it feels just as long).  i caught myself nearly falling asleep on the road - dangerous!  aiy, so i came home and took a nice nap, which felt soooo good.  it was one of those naps where you close your eyes for a second and then you're out like a light.  and when you wake up you can't believe how long you slept for.

this weekend won't afford much time for sleep.  there's fundraising, report cards, planning...  i wish it were like sleep - you just do it and it feels easy, and when it's over it seems like it went by very quickly and painlessly.  hahaha.

oh my goodness what a stupid entry this has been... i'm soooo tired.  i'm just rambling...